For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

How young can you die of old age?

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.