Tim Allen

Women are like cars we all want a Ferrari sometimes want a pickup truck and end up with a station wagon.

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

A guy knows hes in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.

I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I'd go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

I have a thing for tools.

Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish incomprehensible to a dog.

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

I do a lot of family shows.

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.