Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

I do a lot of family shows.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

I have a thing for tools.

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I'd go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did.

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.

I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.

Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish incomprehensible to a dog.

A guy knows hes in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

Women are like cars we all want a Ferrari sometimes want a pickup truck and end up with a station wagon.

I sometimes lie awake at night trying to think of something funny that Richard Nixon said.

The choicest pleasures of life lie within the ring of moderation.

Simple ideas lie within the reach only of complex minds.

The Gorillaz cartoons seem more real to me than the actual people on TV. Because at least you know that there's some intelligence behind the cartoons, and there's a lot of work that's gone into it, so it can't all be just a lie.

Life is an unfoldment, and the further we travel the more truth we can comprehend. To understand the things that are at our door is the best preparation for understanding those that lie beyond.

Many have said of Alchemy, that it is for the making of gold and silver. For me such is not the aim, but to consider only what virtue and power may lie in medicines.

I don't like guys who will lie down and take it. I want someone who'll fight back. I like people who can argue well.

We all know that Art is not truth. Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth, at least the truth that is given to us to understand.

It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.

The lie is a condition of life.

When I was 21, I got into a motorcycle accident while traveling in Europe and I had to lie around a lot in the aftermath, which was really the first time in my life that I became really focused and inspired to write.

No lie ever reaches old age.

Nowadays three witty turns of phrase and a lie make a writer.

If you take a lie and allow your desire for the truth, you'll end up with some truth - not fact, but something that gets you closer to the truth. That's what we want. When we go to a play, we need to be assured that the experience we're having.

It is all right for the lion and the lamb to lie down together if they are both asleep, but if one of them begins to get active, it is dangerous.

I can't believe that we would lie in our graves wondering if we had spent our living days well. I can't believe that we would lie in our graves dreaming of things that we might have been.