Woody Allen

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

More than any other time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

In my house Im the boss my wife is just the decision maker.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.

People always tease me. They say, look at you, you went for so much psychoanalysis and you're so neurotic, you wind up marrying a girl so much younger than you.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have instead of what you dont have.

Comedians have a tendency to have a limited range they tend to do one thing and do it very well but its limited.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Morale still seems reasonably high and, while the desertion rate has risen, it is still limited to those who can walk.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds but its still the only place where you can get a decent steak.

We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair the other to destruction. Lets hope we make the right choice.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

He never made the ten-most-wanted list. It's very unfair voting. It's who you know.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

I am not afraid of death I just dont want to be there when it happens.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

My mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention.

You look up after many years and you find that a film has become a classic because its meaningful to people and alive decade after decade.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

Money is better than poverty if only for financial reasons.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

The chief problem about death ... is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Better not think too much. Relying more on the body it is more trustworthy.

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks but a divorce is something you always have.

Marriage is the death of hope.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Harvard makes mistakes too you know. Kissinger taught there.

I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion.... but it won't get much sleep.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.

Humorists always sit at the childrens table.

When we lose twenty pounds. We may be losing the twenty best pounds we have We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius our humanity our love and honesty.

I dont think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile, women shave on Saturday and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

You mellow too much you ripen and rot.

I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents they approved of her.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Im astounded by people who want to know the universe when its hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Cynicism is reality with an alternate spelling.

Life is hard for insects. And don’t think mice are having any fun either.

What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop

If you arent failing you arent trying.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.