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Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Woody Allen
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On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
Woody Allen
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
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It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
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Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
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What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Woody Allen
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
Woody Allen
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Woody Allen
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
Woody Allen
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
Woody Allen
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Woody Allen
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
Woody Allen
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
Woody Allen
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
Woody Allen
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Woody Allen
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Woody Allen
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Woody Allen
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Woody Allen
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Woody Allen
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Woody Allen
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Woody Allen
Marriage is the death of hope.
Woody Allen
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Woody Allen
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Woody Allen
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Woody Allen
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Woody Allen
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Woody Allen
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Woody Allen