Andy Rooney

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.

We're all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of loneliness.

Finding the tool is often half the battle.

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

The dullest Olympic sport is curling, whatever 'curling' means.

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.

Democrats believe people are basically good but must be saved from themselves by the government. Republicans believe people are basically bad but theyll be okay if theyre left alone.

Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated.

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Dont clean it up too quickly.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.

I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain but all the happiness and growth occurs while youre climbing it.

Walking is good for the soul.

Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

Being kind is more important than being right.

A writer's job is to tell the truth.

Milk without fat is like nonalcoholic Scotch.

Ive learned... that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. Its sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesnt hurt.

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?

A smile us an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

The best Christmas trees come very close to exceeding nature.

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things but most of the things they make it easier to do dont need to be done.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books how not to eat what youve just learned how to cook.

I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

Sooner or later the world will have to return to the good old days when we fought wars and killed people the old fashioned way one at a time.

The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

In Washington a confidential assistant is someone who if you dont want to know something you go and ask him and he wont tell you.

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.