If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.

The dullest Olympic sport is curling, whatever 'curling' means.

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.

I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.

Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?

The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

A writer's job is to tell the truth.

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

A smile us an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated.

Being kind is more important than being right.

The best Christmas trees come very close to exceeding nature.

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain but all the happiness and growth occurs while youre climbing it.