My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist!

You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school.

We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes.

The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs.

And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie.

I do enjoy working with Ryan although he owes me money.

My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever.

We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second.

Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy.

As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favourites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers.

My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist!

I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine.

Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin!

Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?

I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work.

I have many favorite artists... Van Gogh as one, but he didn't really sing a lot!

I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned.

I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs.

There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky.

Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.

This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3.

Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?

When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage.

Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine!

There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting.

Give me liberty or a bran muffin!

Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.

To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap.

The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge.

We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out.

Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had.

He who hesitates is lost

I have observed that baseball is not unlike a war, and when you come right down to it, we batters are the heavy artillery.

There's inevitably something missing when you grow up in this kind of an environment when your parents travel a lot. When your father is famous, you are looked at and expected of. There are standards you need to meet.

Something like your parents divorcing never quite leaves you. What you thought was real isn't real anymore, and that changes your perspective. It makes you more wary but also means you are better equipped to deal with challenges.

It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in that body, but the thing you do with it. You are beautiful.

The American fascist would prefer not to use violence. His method is to poison the channels of public information.

I think George Foreman must have gained about 350 lbs and is slow as ever.

Late summer is perfect for classic mysteries - think of Raymond Chandler's hot Santa Anas and Agatha Christie's Mediterranean resorts - while big ambitious works of nonfiction are best approached in September and early October, when we still feel energetic and the grass no longer needs to be cut.

I've said all along it's a humbling experience being at UCLA. Extremely proud, extremely blessed to be at an institution with all this tradition.

Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.

Everybody needs encouragement even when things are going well.

When governments become large, voters cannot exercise close oversight, otherwise known as political power.

Judaism is interesting in that there is something there that I think you just can't understand if you're not a Jew - it moves into a realm of true mystery.

My sister and I were born in San Francisco. When our parents died, we came down here to live with relatives.

The boys are in such a mood that if someone introduced the Ten Commandments, they'd cut them down to seven.

It's rough being a teenager in this day and age.

You have to think about what you want to do. There is nothing to say that you should study from the age of 20 to 23. I learnt more on a film set at 17 than in the classroom.

Western countries in particular can today no longer be separated from Muslim societies, because they have them within themselves. They are themselves internally globalized.