If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

True Yankees are born, not made.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.

Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.

I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once.

I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.

I was the youngest kid on my street, the youngest comic in the clubs. I always felt like I was playing catch-up. I was very angry.

I'm oddly not competitive. What I love about show business is there is a home for everyone.

Marc Maron's podcast success has nothing to do with my podcast success. If I do a quarter of a million downloads, I can show that to an advertiser as a fact, and that's that.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

I am both happy and sad at the same time and Im still trying to figure out how that could be.

I've never had to spend any time in the VA hospital, so I really can't speak for those guys.

One door closes and another one opens.

Maybe the Dalai Lama is the only person who is totally honest, and even with him, he's skillful not to hurt anybody. He's skillful.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

My wife and two children traveled with me on locations all last season.

Consider everyone trustworthy until they prove otherwise.

When I was playing, there were only eight teams in each league, and you didn't have any playoffs.

The only way to security for Israel and a humane life for Palestinians in their own land is political. No matter where the fault for past negotiating failures lies, there is no other path.

We live in a day that nobody's lived in before: where you can touch more people. The message I'll speak tonight and the message that I speak at home, people in India will hear. It's just an amazing day.

The only length of life that seems to satisfy the longings of the human heart is life everlasting.

Nobody can motivate himself in a positive direction by continually using negative words.

I was a housewife, so I learned to write in times off, and I don't think I ever gave it up, though there were times when I was very discouraged because I began to see that the stories I was writing were not very good, that I had a lot to learn, and that it was a much, much harder job than I had expected.

Tone is everything in TV.

Panic, a deep abiding, free-floating anxiety, often without any reason or logical basis.

The art of war teaches us to rely not on the likelihood of the enemy's not coming, but on our own readiness to receive him; not on the chance of his not attacking, but rather on the fact that we have made our position unassailable.

What people ask for has nothing to do with the value of a property. You might see a listing for $300,000 and think you should make a $250,000 bid. But hyper-focus on what the house is worth. You should know what the house is worth by looking at comparable properties. Base your bid on that.

Our ideals, like pictures, are made from lights and shadows.

No alibi will save you from accepting the responsibility.

But if the technological Singularity can happen, it will.

I'm not really as cool and collected as 'Mrs. Funnybones', but she is the woman I want to be.

The Magnificent Seven was really kind of a miraculous event that took place in my life.

He who sweats more in training bleeds less in war.