If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

True Yankees are born, not made.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.

Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.

I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once.

I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.

I was the youngest kid on my street, the youngest comic in the clubs. I always felt like I was playing catch-up. I was very angry.

I'm oddly not competitive. What I love about show business is there is a home for everyone.

Marc Maron's podcast success has nothing to do with my podcast success. If I do a quarter of a million downloads, I can show that to an advertiser as a fact, and that's that.

I really want to work with Adele, I think she's amazing. Lykke Li as well. I love them both. I'd also like to work with The Script. I met them in Australia and we just got on like a house on fire.

We think our leadership has been too timid to go after corruption, and often times, they bow to the liberal progressive demands of the White House instead of standing up for our values.

I sing the 'Star Spangled Banner,' so I can get into football, basketball and baseball games for free.

Once I started working as a professional actor, it was like, 'Bye-bye waiting tables, bye-bye bartending, bye-bye all the cliched jobs actors do.' But after a year of not getting work, there's this really difficult conflict, like, 'Do I have to go back to being a waiter when people recognize me from a show?'

Much silence makes a powerful noise.

The greatest gift that Oxford gives her sons is, I truly believe, a genial irreverence toward learning, and from that irreverence love may spring.

I think you're a good person or a todd by the age of eight.

Age is something that doesnt matter unless you are a cheese.

I want to stop the influx of new immigrants. This way, we can give those who are already here the opportunity to fully integrate into our society.

When things are desperate there is no need to pretend that everything is beautiful.

For me, the teen years were all about searching for a place for myself, wondering why I seemed so different than everyone else, wondering especially why no one could look past the surface and figure out who I really was underneath.

Now the thing about having a baby and I cant be the first person to have noticed this is that thereafter you have it.

I'm not gonna waste your time, so I wouldn't expect you to waste my time.

All bad Literature rests upon imperfect insight, or upon imitation, which may be defined as seeing at second-hand.

I can't imagine that I will ever be on anything like 'M*A*S*H' again.

The problems of the world are not going to be engaged with and solved in Faversham, they're going to be sorted out in cities like Birmingham.

When I was working on my first novel, 'The Quilter's Apprentice,' I knew I wanted to write about friendship, especially women's friendship and how women use friendship to sustain themselves and nurture each other.

Game calls can't be just, 'Oh, by the way,' as part of a larger discussion.

It's almost scary how amateur I am when it comes to musicals - I'm a musical goer, but I am not as obsessed with musicals as perhaps some of my theatrical friends are.

We call 'Ain't No Mountain' the golden egg that landed us at Motown.

I have a Bible near my bed.

You can tell a lot in shorthand.

The man who has sufficient power over himself to wait until his nature has recovered its even balance is the truly wise man, but such beings are seldom met with.

I did some research once on the way people in the past imagined the year 2000. They tended to picture the things they already had getting more sophisticated - flying cars, self-cleaning windows. And the folks in the early 1900s had a wildly optimistic estimate of the future of pneumatic tubes.