Milton Berle

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

Marriage is a three ring circus. First the engagement ring the the wedding ring then the suffering.

If evolution really works how come mothers only have two hands

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.

Theyve got plastic Christmas trees now. Theyre hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day--you declare a truce.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.

People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.

They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

Experience is what you have after youve forgotten her name.

I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'

There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

If opportunity doesnt knock build a door.

The problem with life is by the time you can read women like a book your library card has expired.

Its always consoling to know that todays Christmas gifts are tomorrows garage sales.

Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: 'The Ferrari is paid for,' 'The mortgage is assumable,' and 'It's just a cold sore!

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.