You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.

I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.

Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.

People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.

There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.

They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.

Theyve got plastic Christmas trees now. Theyre hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

If opportunity doesnt knock build a door.

If evolution really works how come mothers only have two hands

Experience is what you have after youve forgotten her name.

Marriage is a three ring circus. First the engagement ring the the wedding ring then the suffering.

Its always consoling to know that todays Christmas gifts are tomorrows garage sales.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

The problem with life is by the time you can read women like a book your library card has expired.

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day--you declare a truce.

Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: 'The Ferrari is paid for,' 'The mortgage is assumable,' and 'It's just a cold sore!

All we're getting from the Democratic majority in Congress and from this White House is more bailouts, more spending, more planned stimulus, more deficits and debt, and the American people have had it.

But the Congress has made the determination that certain kinds of information can be protected even though the American people may want to have access to information.

Promoting job creation and economic growth in the Hudson Valley is one of my top priorities in Congress.

Copyrights have not expired, and will not expire, so long as Congress is free to be bought to extend them again.

The arts are an even better barometer of what is happening in our world than the stock market or the debates in congress.

I have seen the times when the grassroots has moved the Congress. We listen way more often to our constituents than the lobbyists. And the grassroots are going to have to do it.

We in this Congress have a choice. The American people have a right to exercise a choice on this issue, as to whether our men and women will continue to fight and die in a war based on deception and fantasy, or to start bringing the troops home.

While Kuwait is not a democracy, giving only half the population a voice in their government is not a policy this Congress should support and one that I am glad that Kuwait's leaders are changing.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.