A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.

I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.

Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.

People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.

There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.

They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.

Theyve got plastic Christmas trees now. Theyre hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

If opportunity doesnt knock build a door.

If evolution really works how come mothers only have two hands

Experience is what you have after youve forgotten her name.

Marriage is a three ring circus. First the engagement ring the the wedding ring then the suffering.

Its always consoling to know that todays Christmas gifts are tomorrows garage sales.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

The problem with life is by the time you can read women like a book your library card has expired.

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day--you declare a truce.

Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: 'The Ferrari is paid for,' 'The mortgage is assumable,' and 'It's just a cold sore!

And yes, there's a simplicity to writing books because you're not a member of a team, so you make all the decisions yourself instead of deferring to a committee.

One of the great joys this year and the year before has been how all of the people in this body, men and women, Republicans and Democrats, have worked together so well with our chairman and the chairman of the full committee to address the issues of housing for our soldiers.

If the many allegations made to this date are true, then the burglars who broke into the headquarters of the Democratic National Committee at the Watergate were, in effect, breaking into the home of every citizen.

Obama's health care plan will be written by a committee whose head, John Conyers, says he doesn't understand it. It'll be passed by Congress that has not read it, signed by a president who smokes, funded by a Treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, overseen by a Surgeon General who is obese, and financed by a country that's nearly broke. What could possibly go wrong?

Our greatest privilege and responsibility as leaders of the House Committee on Veterans' Affairs is to provide our veterans with a system that cares for their wounds and ensures that they have an opportunity to succeed.

To do so, we are creating a Fairness for Switzerland Committee that will not only disseminate some of the facts, but also protect a relationship that is important to all of us in North America.

If I were John Bolton, I'd take great consolation in the words of my principal supporter on the committee, who gave a ringing endorsement, which was, There is no evidence that he has broken any laws.

I am persuaded, that if any attempt is made to improve the education of the poor, and such an unmanly spirit should guide the resolution of a society or committee for that purpose, it would render the design abortive.

Madam Speaker, I have spent more than half my life as a member of the Resources Committee. In that time I have supported numerous wilderness designations. In fact, I cannot recall ever opposing a wilderness bill.