Robert Orben

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

The best birthdays of all are those that havent arrived yet.

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

Individuality' is the key to success.

Don’t think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

Anybody with a good sense of humor is one up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. Its a bonding influence.

Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

Theres so much pollution in the air now that if it werent for our lungs thered be no place to put it all.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If Im not there I go to work.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

If you can laugh together, you can work together.

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

If you can laugh together, you can work together

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal Now chocolate is one of the cereals.

Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'

A compliment is verbal sunshine.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that individuality is the key to success.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

Do your kids a favor dont have any.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.