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A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Robert Orben
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There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
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Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
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I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
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Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
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Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.
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Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.
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Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
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With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!
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A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
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A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
Robert Orben
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
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Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.
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If you can laugh together, you can work together.
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Do your kids a favor - don't have any.
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Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.
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Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.
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Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.
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Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.
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Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'
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In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.
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Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
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Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
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More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
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Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
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What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.
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I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
Robert Orben
Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?
Robert Orben
There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
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Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.
Robert Orben
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
Robert Orben
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Robert Orben
Don’t think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.
Robert Orben
I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.
Robert Orben
The best birthdays of all are those that havent arrived yet.
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Anybody with a good sense of humor is one up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. Its a bonding influence.
Robert Orben
Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal Now chocolate is one of the cereals.
Robert Orben
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that individuality is the key to success.
Robert Orben
Theres so much pollution in the air now that if it werent for our lungs thered be no place to put it all.
Robert Orben
Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If Im not there I go to work.
Robert Orben
Do your kids a favor dont have any.
Robert Orben
Individuality' is the key to success.
Robert Orben
Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben
A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.
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A compliment is verbal sunshine.
Robert Orben
If you can laugh together, you can work together
Robert Orben
There was no religious ceremony connected with marriage among us, while on the other hand the relation between man and woman was regarded as in itself mysterious and holy.
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The ceremony took six minutes. The marriage lasted about the same amount of time though we didn't get a divorce for almost a year.
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