Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

If you can laugh together, you can work together.

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Don’t think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

The best birthdays of all are those that havent arrived yet.

Anybody with a good sense of humor is one up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. Its a bonding influence.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal Now chocolate is one of the cereals.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that individuality is the key to success.

Theres so much pollution in the air now that if it werent for our lungs thered be no place to put it all.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If Im not there I go to work.

Do your kids a favor dont have any.

Individuality' is the key to success.

Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.

A compliment is verbal sunshine.

If you can laugh together, you can work together

A great social success is a pretty girl who plays her cards as carefully as if she were plain.

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.