Ron White

There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.

The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.

I was a comedy fan when I was a little kid.

I would have rather been beat by a plumber than Kathy Griffin.

But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.

I'm set up where I make a lot of money doing stand-up, and it's easy.

You can tell on-stage when a joke's starting to lose its pop. It doesn't mean people don't want to hear it anymore; it means I don't want to do it anymore. Because I want to move on to something that has a knee-jerk reaction just like you get when you tell somebody a joke that they've never heard.

If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.

I'm not the judge of who that is, but I am a believer that no debt in the universe goes unpaid. If you try to buy early, you'll pay late.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.

It never dawned on me that I had the option of becoming a comedian. I come from a little dirt street town in northwest Texas, and they really don't talk about the arts there much on career day.

My show is more storytelling now than it's ever been. It's what I'm good at.

The Majestic Theatre in San Antone is as good as it gets.

I don't think we have a surplus of fine educators in this country that we can just start dropping them for no reason whatsoever.

All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.

I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He's probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can't say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.

I do a lot of gay-friendly stuff in my show, and men, women, they all love it. I practice non-judgment in my daily life and hope other people do the same thing.

I'm not willing to drag my fans down a road I don't believe in. That's just my one little principle. I've only got one, and that's it.

There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.

Here's how I operate. When I see something I like, 20 years later, I ask her brother for her phone number. She don't even see me coming.

My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I get e-mail from all over the world, and from lawyers and doctors and whoever - plumbers and drywall hangers.

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.

Movies are boring. It's like watching paint dry. I did a little role in a movie, and it was eight lines. I was there for three days. It's just horrible. Television is 15 hour days. Movies are 18 hour days. And it's 18 hours of doing not a thing.

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.

TV is a hard job. You work 15 hours a day. People tell you what to do. I hate to do it.

Think of The Rontourage as the Ron White Channel, where you can see us getting into trouble in all kinds of different places.

I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn't care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.

I don't live under the illusion we don't need a military to protect this country.

I pretty much give both barrels every time I walk on stage.

I was desperate for new material, so anything I can write a joke about that works is in the act. No matter who it offends, or who it bothers - doesn't matter if its something my wife hates.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.

I want my fans to feel like we're always in touch. Because without 'em, I wouldn't be able to do any of this.

I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.

If you look at the common denominator of all the comics who have had big success, it's being true to their nature... that's what takes a long time to learn.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

It went from Bob Newhart to Flip Wilson to Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor to George Carlin to Cheech and Chong. I had all these records.

I've been offered starring roles in horrible movies, but I just didn't want to do it. I don't see why you would.

I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.

I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.

If you become famous and don't have a live show to back it up, they're not going to pay you any money.

The only thing I really worry about is my live stand-up show because I have to answer to the fans.

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

I write all of my material. It's all me.

I always found that the closer I got to who I really am, on stage, the more they responded to it.

I don't do any corporate work.

My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.

As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I'll create more comedy. It's just when I shut off and stay at home... What helps me is just to keep moving.

When I was a kid, mostly I played in a ditch that didn't have much water in it. It was for drainage purposes. There was not a lot trouble to get into in that ditch. It was ditch activities like catching crawdads and minnows.

Somebody the other day had a review, called me 'America's reprobate.' And I don't even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.

You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.

I still love to walk on stage and make people laugh, and I work very, very hard at it, and I take it seriously.

I've been married a few times. I'm not good at it.

I write these shows one joke at a time. There's no continuity. I do try to figure an order to the stories, but there's not continuity.

My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks.

People, when they go on stage, tend to be animated and try to force things out instead of relaxing and bringing it in.

I just try to keep it fresh without sacrificing funny.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative.

As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny.

If I'm in a town for very long, usually I'll work out in the comedy club just to keep my chops or work out the beats on new stuff.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant.

There have been times when I played more than others, but I've been a road comic for a quarter of a century, so I've always played golf on the road because you have a lot of time to kill.

I guarantee there's people who watch television who have no idea how complicated it is to make a television show.

I have a very fun life. I don't recommend it for anybody else, but it sure has been fun for me.

I was always a funny guy. I don't think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn't a funny guy when they were young.

People used to say I'm regional, but I'm not... We all have the same human condition.

Mother, she likes the blue material just fine.

Ultimately I'm the writer for me, but also, anytime one of my friends gets stuck with a bit, they can call me, and I'm pretty good at helping them get there.

There's no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don't exist.

Let's face it: a lot of my material comes from the stuff that happens to me on the road.

I believe that if life gives you lemons you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka and have a party.

I was by far the least popular of the Blue Collar crew when we started. There was a definite pecking order, and everybody knew it.

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.

A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That's just like heaven to me. I'm a simple man.

There's no such thing as a hit joke.

Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

Any time someone achieves success before they've earned it, it always comes back to haunt them.

If you watch the 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour,' don't expect that when you come see me by myself, 'cause it's a little rougher.

I go to more open mic nights than open mikers.

I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product!

I've asked these guys in rock bands with all the 18-wheelers driving to the venue how they make money. I just don't understand it. But I don't understand a lot of things.

I always wanted to be a popular comedian.

I don't like to do material people have heard. Now, they like to hear material that they know, because that's the stuff that made me famous, and, unfortunately, I don't do a ton of it.

That's the beauty of being a straight-to-DVD star. It really helps you stay under the media's radar.

I don't watch Comedy Central. I don't enjoy it.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

I loved listening to laughter even as a little kid.