People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.

I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.

I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That's just like heaven to me. I'm a simple man.

A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.

All I know how to do is take what's on my mind and spit it out funny. I don't know what else I could do besides comedy.

All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.

Any time someone achieves success before they've earned it, it always comes back to haunt them.

Anything I write that I consider stage-quality work, I won't give my TV show. I put it in my live show.

As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny.

As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I'll create more comedy. It's just when I shut off and stay at home... What helps me is just to keep moving.

Comedy is all about the pause.

Comedy is great because there's no overhead.

Don't bring your kids to my show, and I won't come to your house and cuss.

Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

Here's how I operate. When I see something I like, 20 years later, I ask her brother for her phone number. She don't even see me coming.

I always found that the closer I got to who I really am, on stage, the more they responded to it.

I always wanted to be a popular comedian.

I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for any more.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.

I do a lot of gay-friendly stuff in my show, and men, women, they all love it. I practice non-judgment in my daily life and hope other people do the same thing.

I don't do any corporate work.

I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.

I don't know who in my family thinks very fast at all, including me. The things that people see me do onstage are written, so it doesn't have to be very quick if you have all day with a pen.

I don't like to do burnt material on stage. Even though my crowd loves to hear me do old stuff, I don't like to do old stuff. So I do very, very little of it.

I don't like to do material people have heard. Now, they like to hear material that they know, because that's the stuff that made me famous, and, unfortunately, I don't do a ton of it.

I don't live under the illusion we don't need a military to protect this country.