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There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

Ron White
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But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.
Ron White
Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.
Ron White
People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.
Ron White
I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.
Ron White
I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.
Ron White
I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.
Ron White
There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.
Ron White
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
Ron White
Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!
Ron White
I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.
Ron White
The next time you have a thought... let it go.
Ron White
You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.
Ron White
You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.
Ron White
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.
Ron White
My goal is just to become a better comedian.
Ron White
The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.
Ron White
I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.
Ron White
Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.
Ron White
There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.
Ron White
A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That's just like heaven to me. I'm a simple man.
Ron White
A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.
Ron White
All I know how to do is take what's on my mind and spit it out funny. I don't know what else I could do besides comedy.
Ron White
All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.
Ron White
Any time someone achieves success before they've earned it, it always comes back to haunt them.
Ron White
Anything I write that I consider stage-quality work, I won't give my TV show. I put it in my live show.
Ron White
As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny.
Ron White
As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I'll create more comedy. It's just when I shut off and stay at home... What helps me is just to keep moving.
Ron White
Comedy is all about the pause.
Ron White
Comedy is great because there's no overhead.
Ron White
Don't bring your kids to my show, and I won't come to your house and cuss.
Ron White
Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.
Ron White
Everybody I know is a joke writer.
Ron White
Here's how I operate. When I see something I like, 20 years later, I ask her brother for her phone number. She don't even see me coming.
Ron White
I always found that the closer I got to who I really am, on stage, the more they responded to it.
Ron White
I always wanted to be a popular comedian.
Ron White
I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for any more.
Ron White
I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative.
Ron White
I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.
Ron White
I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.
Ron White
I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.
Ron White
I do a lot of gay-friendly stuff in my show, and men, women, they all love it. I practice non-judgment in my daily life and hope other people do the same thing.
Ron White
I don't do any corporate work.
Ron White
I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.
Ron White
I don't know who in my family thinks very fast at all, including me. The things that people see me do onstage are written, so it doesn't have to be very quick if you have all day with a pen.
Ron White
I don't like to do burnt material on stage. Even though my crowd loves to hear me do old stuff, I don't like to do old stuff. So I do very, very little of it.
Ron White
I don't like to do material people have heard. Now, they like to hear material that they know, because that's the stuff that made me famous, and, unfortunately, I don't do a ton of it.
Ron White
I don't live under the illusion we don't need a military to protect this country.
Ron White