Tom Lehrer

An actress must never lose her ego without it she has no talent.

You can't be satirical and not be offensive to somebody.

If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or, perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while.

In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.'

Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it.

The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.

But in the new math approach the important thing is to understand what youre doing rather than to get the right answer.

It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year.

Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize.

On my income tax 1040 it says "Check this box if you are blind." I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.

I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel.

On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.

One of the things I'm proudest of is, on my record 'That Was the Year that Was' in 1965, I made a joke about spending $20 billion sending some clown to the moon. I was against the manned space program then, and I'm even more against it now, that whole waste of money.

Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.

My last public performance for money was in 1967. For free, it was 1972, with the exception of two little one-shot, one-song things. But that's just for friends, out of friendship for the people involved, and also because it was fun.

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that.

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

San Francisco is a city of twenty-something millionaire white kids named Doug.

When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex.

You cant be satirical and not be offensive to somebody.

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your .

I have always found it interesting... that there are people who regard copyright infringement as a form of flattery.

I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity.

If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it.

There's something mathematically satisfying about music: notes fit together and harmony and all that. And mathematics has to do with abstractions and making connections.

Life is like a sewer what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent.

Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.

Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

Think as you work, for in the final analysis, your worth to your company comes not only in solving problems, but also in anticipating them.

It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.

Bad weather always looks worse through a window.