A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

But the age of chivalry is gone. That of sophisters, economists, and calculators has succeeded; and the glory of Europe is extinguished forever.

I grew up with art from the innocent age of ten - with art, but with no sense of identity.

Death comes not to the living soul, nor age to the loving heart.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

For example, UNICEF works with governments to change legislation such as in India where a law was passed raising the age of compulsory school completion to keep children in school and away from the workplace for longer.

I figured out it was a social thing, what women were allowed to do. At a very young age, I decided I was not going to follow women's rules.

I wish I knew at 14 not to put much thought into what other people my age said to me, cause we were all looking for the answers. So I wish I knew that other people really don't know any more than you do!

I believe very firmly that gay people of every stripe and age should be role models for all children, and that means interacting with them.

Donner likes what he does and enjoys being on a set. He doesn't have to do it, its not like he has to make the rent. When I get to be his age and still enjoy what I'm doing like him, I'd be lucky.

Does age matter? Time doesn't matter.

I realised from a very early age that God gave me a gift, and that gift was to run, and I wanted to use it to the best of my ability.

Looking back, I think we were all quite mature, surprisingly responsible. In earlier wars, boys of our age had just gone off to raise hell or enlist or both, but we stayed dutifully at our desks doing tomorrow's homework.

This is the patent age of new inventions for killing bodies, and for saving souls. All propagated with the best intentions.

Interest is the spur of the people, but glory that of great souls. Invention is the talent of youth, and judgment of age.

For me, having a child is a really great responsibility because you've got something there that is depending on you for information and love until a certain age when it goes to school.

I don't think at my age... you can start ruling people out in politics.

I figured my body always would be able to repair itself. I think all of us believe that - until you begin to age and get hit with deteriorating joints.

Another principle is, the deepest affections of our hearts gather around some human form in which are incarnated the living thoughts and ideas of the passing age.

I read. It's also nice for me to get involved in schoolwork, which is a totally different world than acting. It makes me feel like I am doing things that normal people are doing at my age.

When you're my age and you see a story, you better go for it pretty quickly. I'd just like to get a few more novels under my belt.

Hollywood is sexist and age-ist, and that covers all the bases, I guess.

Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature.

America doesn't reward people of my age, either in day-to-day life or for their performances.

When you get to a certain age, the work begins to thin out.

In every age poets and social reformers have tried to stimulate the people of their own time to a nobler life by enchanting stories of the virtues of the heroes of old.

But in our age the appeal to authority is weak, and I am of my age.

Well, I was lucky enough to be involved in about 19 failures at an early age, so I'm realistic about the success I'm having and how quickly it can go away. What's important is to be smart about it.

I'm glad now, at age 66, that I never used alcohol or tobacco... I've buried a lot of friends who used tobacco or alcohol.

All we can do when we think of kids today is think of more hours of school, earlier age at the computer, and curfews. Who would want to grow up in that world?

Like I said on my bio on my webpage, I was born at an early age, I was close to my mother.

What makes old age so sad is not that our joys but our hopes cease.

Women would be disproportionately affected by the privatization of social security. It is one of the most important safety nets for American women in old age, or in times of disability, to insure financial income for their families.

Old age is a special problem for me because I've never been able to shed the mental image I have of myself - a lad of about 19.

O love, if I regret the age when one savors you, it is not for the hour of pleasure, but for the one that follows it.

In an age of incompetence, I've been able to last in this crazy business. I actually know how to play my ax and write a song. That's my job.