Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

I sometimes lie awake at night trying to think of something funny that Richard Nixon said.

To me, every hour of the day and night is an unspeakably perfect miracle.

I'm looking forward to providing the men of Seattle with an evening where they can kick back, light up a cigar and enjoy a night to themselves. Women, we can't technically keep you out, but please stay at home.

Prayer: the key of the day and the lock of the night.

I knew that my staying up would not change the election result if I were defeated, while if elected I had a hard day ahead of me. So I thought a night's rest was best in any event.

Tomorrow night is nothing but one long sleepless wrestle with yesterday's omissions and regrets.

You know, nobody eats in England. Three or four pints of English beer a night fills you. I can't say I'm very impressed with the food in America. it's all sort of bland. Like turkey sandwiches.

I wanted to do an episode about Chuck having a gambling problem. I wanted to portray my addiction on the show. But I think it's a little edgy for Saturday night.

What can you conceive more silly and extravagant than to suppose a man racking his brains, and studying night and day how to fly?

On that road of the informer, it is always night. I cannot ever inform against anyone without feeling something die within me. I inform without pleasure, because it is necessary.

We did a different show every night. We'd open a show, and then two weeks later we'd open the next show. And two weeks later we'd open the third show until we had all eight running. And it was just one of the richest experiences I'd ever had in my theatrical life.

I hate leaving home. I love what I do, but I'd love to go home every night.

I was babysitting the night High School Musical premiered last year. I watched with the kids and we sang along to the lyrics. I was making $12 an hour.

The name Air Supply sort of came from nowhere. I get a lot of my things in dreams and I just had a dream about it one night, and I woke up and said that's just got to be the name. That was in 1975.

I have never had problems sleeping the night before a race.

When my mother died, I had to go on air that night and do jokes.

And Big Night, I think by the end the brothers find that balance, when they touch each other on the shoulder over breakfast and it's understood that what should never have driven them apart almost drove them apart. I think that's a true moment.

I couldn't sleep one night and I was sitting in my office and I realized that I was an independent filmmaker.

Leisure time is that five or six hours when you sleep at night.

When I got old enough to go to night clubs to hear that music at the age of 15.

I was up until all hours of the night, listening to stories, meeting great old comedians.

If I didn't have a recruiting engagement, I was going to be here. I did everything possible to change the recruiting thing. I'm a very small part of this night, but I did want to be a part of it.

Men find it difficult because I've got so much energy and hardly sleep at night, only four or five hours. I wake up in the early hours and potter around.

But for the first time in many years, I get to sleep in my own bed every night. I haven't done that, literally, in years. It seems like such a small thing, but it is so nice.

Prepare for death, if here at night you roam, and sign your will before you sup from home.

I was born in London, and went to school in Scotland - I used to be dead tired when I got home at night.

You know, in the beginning when your first payroll comes up and you have to borrow money to meet the payroll, you lose sleep the night before, and you say to yourself real fast, 'Well, maybe I should keep working a couple more years. It's sobering.

If the stars should appear but one night every thousand years how man would marvel and stare.

I was the first movie star to plunge into night-time soap opera.

I read the book of Job last night, I don't think God comes out well in it.

Have you ever, on a cloudless night, looked down from a passing aircraft flying over Canada? Endless, glowing strings of cities, towns, and homesteads. Stretching on and on, one province to the next. With only the stars in the distance.

I could see flames from the windows of my chambers. For the next three or four days we had major rioting here in Washington and I stayed at the court day and night.

Last Friday night, I Twitted a photograph of myself that I intended to send as a direct message as part of a joke to a woman in Seattle. Once I realized I posted to Twitter I panicked, I took it down and said that I had been hacked. I then continued with that story, to stick to that story which was a hugely regrettable mistake.

I mean a song that's specifically for the girls. It's saying you know we talk about them night and day, we're constantly pondering on men and what they've done good and what they've done bad and all these things in our lives.

I don't like to waste anything. Any food left over from the night before is always eaten the next day.