Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

Let me first state that I believe that marriage is a sacred union between one man and one woman.

I don't know of many evangelicals who want to deny gay couples their legal rights. However, most of us don't want to call it marriage, because we think that word has religious connotations, and we're not ready to see it used in ways that offend us.

The media seems to think only abortion and gay marriage are religious issues. Poverty is a moral issue, it's a faith issue, it's a religious issue.

Marriage is a very good thing, but I think it's a mistake to make a habit out of it.

I don't think that a same-sex marriage is the way God intended it to be.

A good businessman never makes a contract unless he's sure he can carry it through, yet every fool on earth is perfectly willing to sign a marriage contract without considering whether he can live up to it or not.

After 14 years, it better be a real marriage, you know? We do have a great time together. We are really lucky.

Marriage encourages the men and women who together create life to unite in a bond for the protection of children.

A marriage is no amusement but a solemn act, and generally a sad one.

There is, hidden or flaunted, a sword between the sexes till an entire marriage reconciles them.

A so-called happy marriage corresponds to love as a correct poem to an improvised song.

Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a duty.

Love is more pleasant than marriage for the same reason that novels are more amusing than history.

I was against gay marriage until I realized I didn't have to get one.

The most important thing for a good marriage is to learn how to argue peaceably.

Marriage is like wine. It is not be properly judged until the second glass.

Love in marriage should be the accomplishment of a beautiful dream, and not, as it too often is, the end.

I do not support a constitutional amendment to prohibit gay marriage.

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

Women today have more of an overview of their lives and how marriage is or is not a part of it.

I decided he'd changed so much that a whole new book was required and that book actually I can say so was the first to say that the marriage was in trouble and the Prince didn't like at all and my book was being serialized in the Sunday Times over five weeks.

Every society in the history of man has upheld the institution of marriage as a bond between a man and a woman. Why? Because society is based on one thing: that society is based on the future of the society. And that's what? Children. Monogamous relationships.

There was never a point in my life where I gave up. My marriage, as you know, fell apart.

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.

We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.

I voted for the Defense of Marriage Act but I do not believe we should institutionalize a form of discrimination against any minority by amending the Constitution.

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.

French novels generally treat of the relations of women to the world and to lovers, after marriage; consequently there is a great deal in French novels about adultery, about improper relations between the sexes, about many things which the English public would not allow.

We can't destroy the inequities between men and women until we destroy marriage.

Marriage is a great institution.

Who of us is mature enough for offspring before the offspring themselves arrive? The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults.

Another argument, vaguer and even less persuasive, is that gay marriage somehow does harm to heterosexual marriage. I have yet to meet anyone who can explain to me what this means. In what way would allowing same-sex partners to marry diminish the marriages of heterosexual couples?

There was no religious ceremony connected with marriage among us, while on the other hand the relation between man and woman was regarded as in itself mysterious and holy.

If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

I've exchanged messages and photos of an explicit nature with about six women over the last three years. For the most part, these communications took place before my marriage, though some have sadly took place after. To be clear, I have never met any of these women or had physical relationships at any time.