I haven't really got much get up and go. I can't believe I'm on the telly. I'm so lazy.

You should never meet your heroes. Paul Newman... I was so excited about meeting him, but he turned up in shell suit bottoms, slippers, and a jumper. He was just so worn out and old, he wanted to go home.

I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.

I think over there in Montreal they're a bit hardcore with the old homos. They're not that keen on them.

I haven't really got much get up and go. I can't believe I'm on the telly. I'm so lazy.

I'm just generally hugely frustrated, I'm a very, very frustrated man. I'm just a ball of pent-up frustration.

I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.

I've met Nicole Kidman, Elton John, loads of people.

I didn't really want to be a comedian.

I went to Montreal. My first gig went very badly. They just weren't laughing at anything. I found out they were a load of Christians, and it was a gig to raise money for a new church roof.

If you go on stage with the wrong attitude, or something in your performance is off, you can lose an audience in the first minute. That first minute is crucial.

I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so I gave it a whirl.

I hate Shakespeare. I think Shakespeare's rubbish.

We had our first meeting yesterday, and we just laughed all the way through, so if we can bottle that, then I'll be happy. We just get on, and that's half the battle.

A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere.

I still get excited about meeting celebrities, because I don't think I'm a celebrity myself.

It's Charley's Aunt and The Odd Couple rolled into one.

I'd love to do acting, but it'd definitely have to be comedy. I can't do serious. It's completely beyond me.

The Normans came over, lance in hand, burning and trampling down every thing before them, and cutting off the Saxon dynasty and the Saxon nobles at the edge of the sword; but the right of petition remained untouched.

I was 27, an unemployed actress living in a really crappy studio apartment. I had just moved to Los Angeles alone, away from my family. I had cervical and uterine cancer and I was told that I would never be able to carry a baby.

I had a stunt double for 'The Bronze.' She's literally the most amazing human being I've ever seen. She's NCAA women's gymnastics champion. She was incredible. I would poke her thighs, and my nail would break because it was like poking a rock.

Tenured professors are more prone than the rest of us to think that the university is the universe.

The word is the Verb, and the Verb is God.

My proudest moment was probably when my oldest boy finished law school and went on to become an FBI agent. It was just beyond my imagination that - with my background - my own son would become an FBI agent.

I knew when I was 6. I just knew it; I didn't care about nothing else. If I didn't make it in this world, I would probably be homeless. I gave myself that little to fall back on.

For Christmas every year, my mother used to give me those cheap little diaries that would tell your horoscope and provide a little blank slot for each day.

Albania does not feel alone. It is part of the Partnership for Peace structures in NATO, and it will do what it can within that.

There's a reason people use CGI: it's cheaper and faster. I hate that.

I've written six novels and four pieces of nonfiction, so I don't really have a genre these days.

I think I'm the first man to sit on top of the world.

It's always a dream to be on the cover, it's one of the things an athlete always aspires to do, to be on the cover of a videogame, but I never thought I would get to do it this quick.

There are no standards for computer programmers and no group to certify them.

I love heels, I'm telling you. When I walk in flats, I get knee pain.

Freedom of speech and thought matters, especially when it is speech and thought with which we disagree. The moment the majority decides to destroy people for engaging in thought it dislikes, thought crime becomes a reality.

In question-and-answer sessions after a reading or during an interview, I forget the question if I'm giving too long an answer. And at the end, I can't remember any of the questions. The more anxious I am about remembering, the more likely I am to forget.

The category I come closest to is 'lumberjack hipster.'

I do tend to look back to my parents generation and think wow! what a great way to be, to live with one person for a lifetime, to bring your kids up in these really solid families.

A vigorous temper is not altogether an evil. Men who are easy as an old shoe are generally of little worth.

I have a message for the young kids. Life is about obstacles, endeavors in life are not to be overlooked.

I want them to be fully committed to the work place and fully committed to the people they work for.

Don't overdo it. Don't over-diet, over-exercise, overeat, overdo the makeup, and don't stress out.

The ultimate storyteller is Shakespeare, who was able to get the 'groundlings' to laugh at his bawdy humor and storylines but could still be studied by scholars to this day for the complexity of his language, meter, and symbolism. That's the real guy.