David Spade

It's so crazy in Hollywood.

To be famous and broke is hard.

It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.

When I started I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.

I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.

Single guys get a bad rap.

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

I never dated much in high school or college.

To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.

There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.

No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.

Theres always something funny about men chasing women.

It's hard to have a career.

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.

I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

I have no detectable hair style.

Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.'

My career is just kind of crazy.

Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.

Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years.

It's funny because it's funny.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.