Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.'

It's so crazy in Hollywood.

To be famous and broke is hard.

It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.

I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.

When I started I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.

To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.

There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

I have no detectable hair style.

Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.'

My career is just kind of crazy.

It's funny because it's funny.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

I never dated much in high school or college.

I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.

I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.

It's hard to have a career.

Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.

No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.

Single guys get a bad rap.

Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years.

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.

Theres always something funny about men chasing women.

Being a publicist is like management in a lot of ways - you're their friend, you're their mother, you're their confidante.

But even with a character like Cary who is relatively outlandish, at the end of the movie he's in a place where I wouldn't have expected him to be - taking on the responsibility of a woman who is pregnant and who used to be his best friend's wife.

Depending on what day of the week it is and what time of the month it is, I'm a good friend or not a good friend. I'm more or less a good mom or not a good mom, more or less a good mate or not a good mate. That's just life, whether or not you're public.

In every tyrant's heart there springs in the end this poison, that he cannot trust a friend.

My desk, most loyal friend thank you. You've been with me on every road I've taken. My scar and my protection.

It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer.

That friend a great man's ruin strongly checks, who rails into his belief all his defects.

The best compliment to a child or a friend is the feeling you give him that he has been set free to make his own inquiries, to come to conclusions that are right for him, whether or not they coincide with your own.

The friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

For there is no friend like a sister in calm or stormy weather; To cheer one on the tedious way, to fetch one if one goes astray, to lift one if one totters down, to strengthen whilst one stands.

I've written many extra verses to songs that I learned to sing - an extra verse about a friend, or just add some verse - and that led to writing my own songs.

Every murderer is probably somebody's old friend.

I never considered a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend.

We are bound to lose Ireland in consequence of years of cruelty, stupidity and misgovernment and I would rather lose her as a friend than as a foe.

Everyone calls himself a friend, but only a fool relies on it; nothing is commoner than the name, nothing rarer than the thing.

I have a friend in New York who's a stylist and I went over to her place because she's got a lot of clothes. I basically ended up wearing most of it. So it's all stuff that I brought over.

A few nights ago I went to a Hollywood screening of a small independent film made by Sally Kirkland, an old friend of mine who also did terrific job acting in it. There were other actors in it and they were all terrific.

Wine is a turncoat; first a friend and then an enemy.

This friend of mine said he was surprised to find that - I don't think it's quite a majority - a bigger percentage of actors are introverts than extroverts. It was a big surprise to him. Now, I know me, and I'll do anything if I'm playing a character. Or anything that's true to the character, anyway. But in real life I'm a little more withdrawn.

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?