It takes a lot of things to prove you are smart, but only one thing to prove you are ignorant.

Golf may be a hussy, but I love her.

There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.

Why resist temptation? There will always be more.

Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.

Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.

There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe.

Don't ever slam a door, you might want to go back.

If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

The beggar is the only person in the universe not obliged to study appearance.

Poverty must have many satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor people.

A humorist is a person who feels bad, but who feels good about it.

It takes a lot of things to prove you are smart, but only one thing to prove you are ignorant.

It is a good thing that life is not as serious as it seems to a waiter.

There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.

The brighter you are, the more you have to learn.

Doctors think a lot of patients are cured who have simply quit in disgust.

A humorist is a person who feels bad but who feels good about it.

There is one thing about baldness its neat.

Work is the greatest thing in the world. So we should always save some of it for tomorrow.

Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we should never need solace.

Unhappiness is not knowing what we want, and killing ourselves to get it.

I don't want to be size zero and I'm glad I'm not.

Knowing is not understanding. There is a great difference between knowing and understanding: you can know a lot about something and not really understand it.

You go to Scandinavia, and you will find that people have a much higher standard of living, in terms of education, health care and decent paying jobs.

Whoever has an original thing to say, it is sort of a threat to the status quo.

I read somewhere once that in the 1960s, fiction writers were troubled by the notion that life was becoming stranger and more sensational than made-up stories could ever hope to be. Our new problem - more profound, I think - is that life no longer resembles a story. Events intersect but don't progress. People interact but don't make contact.

And Louis Freeh was a completely dysfunctional FBI Director, who was actually waging his own private war against the Clinton Administration.

I've read stories of slave owners who were very generous. They didn't keep them in shackles, they didn't whip the slaves, they built schools and churches for them, free housing, free food, free everything. It's wrong. No matter how nice you make it look, it's wrong.

The game Rock Band has been haunting me like a bad ring tone. It gets stuck in my head and momentarily effaces all that I love about music.

I love changing. I hate it when people try to box me in to a relationship or in a work context. Any situation where I feel boxed in freaks me out. And I feel the need to reinvent myself or I'll get bored.

With women and women, I think there's an understanding. Nobody knows what a woman feels or experiences but another woman. We are the nurturers, and there are times when we need to be nurtured.

Criticizing Fox News has nothing to do with criticizing the press. Fox News is not a news organization. It is the de facto leader of the GOP, and it is long past time that it is treated as such by the media, elected officials and the public.

I never come to know if somebody is in love with me; they will have to hold placards and say it.

I know the importance of family. I mean, it really completes me as a person. I want lots of children; I want so many children. I look at babies' pictures, and I am like... I love kids.

I haven't had an orthodox career.

All say, How hard it is that we have to die—a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.

Keep in mind, our demographics of our state, how it breaks down in terms of political affiliation: over half the people in this state chose not to align themselves with any party at all.

I played team sport as a kid and loved it. I played basketball and football throughout high school into college in the intramurals and I loved it. There was nothing like a team.

Shelf-life for a regular video game usually is about three to five years, and that's it.

No doubt solitude is wholesome, but so is abstinence after a surfeit. The true life of man is in society.

Comedians take a neat situation and turn it into a mess. And in my books I do the same thing, but it's the other way around. I like to mess around with mess. A mess is only a mess because someone tells you it is.

When things begin accelerating wildly out of control, sometimes patience is the only answer. Press pause.

I think my fans would probably be surprised to know I'm not insane - I'm not a crazy person in real life. I'm a pretty low-key dude. I like chilling at home and playing with my dog.

Every historian discloses a new horizon.

In politics, nothing happens by accident. If it happens, you can bet it was planned that way.