Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: "Are your ready?"

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president and anyone who doesnt grow up can be vice president.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it wont hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world and people keep sending it to each other.

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

In Hollywood if you dont have a shrink people think youre crazy.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.

Democracy cannot succeed unless those who express their choice are prepared to choose wisely. The real safeguard of democracy, therefore, is education.

The experience of democracy is like the experience of life itself-always changing, infinite in its variety, sometimes turbulent and all the more valuable for having been tested by adversity.

In democracy everyone has the right to be represented, even the jerks.

But democracy isn't a state of perfection. It has to be improved, and that means constant vigilance.

Democracy is stronger than terrorism, and we will not cower to the terrorists' campaign of fear.

Our brave soldiers and support personnel are engaged in a battle as important as any the United States has ever before waged, for the success of democracy in Iraq is a crucial test of the ideals this Nation was founded upon.

American and Israel share a special bond. Our relationship is unique among all nations. Like America, Israel is a strong democracy, a symbol of freedom, and an oasis of liberty, a home to the oppressed and persecuted.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

Until the control of the issue of currency and credit is restored to government and recognized as its most conspicuous and sacred responsibility, all talks of the sovereignty of Parliament and of democracy is idle and futile.

And when we draw lines in the sand with regard to certain basic things that are vital to our interest and to the interest of democracy and our friends around the world, we have to be willing to back that up.

While Kuwait is not a democracy, giving only half the population a voice in their government is not a policy this Congress should support and one that I am glad that Kuwait's leaders are changing.

It's true that the war in Iraq opened a distance in relations between part of Europe and the U.S. government, but our basic ties are stronger than that. We share democracy, free markets and a commitment to Western security. We differ on how to guarantee that security.

The best Governments of the World have bin composed of Monarchy, Aristocracy, and Democracy.

If we are to keep our democracy, there must be one commandment: "Thou shalt not ration justice."