Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: "Are your ready?"

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president and anyone who doesnt grow up can be vice president.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it wont hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world and people keep sending it to each other.

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

In Hollywood if you dont have a shrink people think youre crazy.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.

I always looked for a man to rescue me and bring me happiness. I bought into that myth, of course, and looked for my own Prince Charming.

Happiness is the harvest of a quiet eye.

No one is guaranteed happiness. You can pursue it, but if you happen to find success along the way on that road to happiness, Conservatives believe you should not be demonized or penalized for it.

To describe happiness is to diminish it.

All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast.

So many people have said that to me, that what they really like about Alex is what she brings out in Marissa, and what this situation brings out in her, a hint of happiness and another side to her character.

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

To be able to throw one's self away for the sake of a moment, to be able to sacrifice years for a woman's smile - that is happiness.

Nothing flatters a man as much as the happiness of his wife; he is always proud of himself as the source of it.

Happiness seems made to be shared.

Aye, I'm tellin' ye, happiness is one of the few things in this world that doubles every time you share it with someone else.

Even when there are times that we're not happy, happiness will creep in.

Character is power; it makes friends, draws patronage and support and opens the way to wealth, honor and happiness.

The greatest happiness is to know the source of unhappiness.