Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: "Are your ready?"

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president and anyone who doesnt grow up can be vice president.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it wont hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world and people keep sending it to each other.

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

In Hollywood if you dont have a shrink people think youre crazy.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.

The woman who thinks she is intelligent demands equal rights with men. A woman who is intelligent does not.

If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last week's socks.

All literary men are Red Sox fans - to be a Yankee fan in a literate society is to endanger your life.

It is chiefly through books that we enjoy intercourse with superior minds. In the best books, great men talk to us, give us their most precious thoughts, and pour their souls into ours.

Men live by intervals of reason under the sovereignty of humor and passion.

To a smart girl men are no problem - they're the answer.

We should have a State in which we could live and breathe as free men and which we could develop according to our own lights and culture and where principles of Islamic social justice could find free play.

I love children and I love men, but I can't commit to either for the rest of my life.

Athletes as role models and heroes is a hoax, a sick hoax. The men and women who are fighting in Iraq, they are the true heroes.

Prosperous farmers mean more employment, more prosperity for the workers and the business men of every industrial area in the whole country.

It is the privilege of the gods to want nothing, and of godlike men to want little.

There is always a type of man who says he loves his fellow men, and expects to make a living at it.

What the hell difference does it make, left or right? There were good men lost on both sides.

Art: If the object of poetry is, to make men, then poetry is the heir of prophecy.