Les Dawson

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was it was my own.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

Families are like fudge mostly sweet with a few nuts.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'

A man falls in love through his eyes a woman through her ears

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.