My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.

Families are like fudge mostly sweet with a few nuts.

A man falls in love through his eyes a woman through her ears

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was it was my own.

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Young actors often don't think of the consequences of doing nudity or sex scenes. They want the role so badly that they agree to be exploited, and then end up embarrassing family, friends, and even strangers.

Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary.

I think I had a more European outlook about the body and sex. The body is in no way dirty, and sex is something beautiful to give to and share with a lover. It has nothing to do with promiscuity, because I only believe in being in love with one man at a time.

I would rather take the role and work and make my own money and self respect than to have sex with someone who has a lot of money.

There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.

The fact is that young people are going to have sex whether you like it or not.

I wasn't a sex symbol, I was a sex zombie.

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man.

Young kids are taking Viagra, ecstasy. They even want instant sex.

This is the point being missed by readers who lament Liquor's lack of hot sex scenes, probably because they aren't old enough to understand that a passionate relationship could be about anything other than sex.

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.

Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled.

I think sex is very interesting for most people, but I'm interested in sex as a way of communication, I'm not that interested in the fantasy version of a sex scene.

I have tried sex with both men and women. I found I liked it.

Sex and drugs were simply not discussed in our culture at that time.

War is a perversion of sex.

I come before you to declare that my sex are entitled to the inalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.