I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.

Families are like fudge mostly sweet with a few nuts.

A man falls in love through his eyes a woman through her ears

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was it was my own.

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

There is no executive order; there is no law that can require the American people to form a national community. This we must do as individuals and if we do it as individuals, there is no President of the United States who can veto that decision.

Under current law volunteers who are not working with an official nonprofit organization are not covered by the Volunteer Protection Act. Therefore, there are absolutely no legal protections for the average American who wishes to volunteer.

When law becomes despotic, morals are relaxed, and vice versa.

Every dictator is an enemy of freedom, an opponent of law.

To believe in a just law of cause and effect, carrying with it a punishment or a reward, is to believe in righteousness.

For example, UNICEF works with governments to change legislation such as in India where a law was passed raising the age of compulsory school completion to keep children in school and away from the workplace for longer.

In Hungary, acting is a career for which one fits himself as earnestly as one studies for a degree in medicine, law, or philosophy.

Working-class Americans have waited too long, close to a decade in fact, for an increase in the minimum wage. This has been the second longest period without a pay raise since the Federal minimum wage law was first enacted in 1938.

The law is immoral.

It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so.

No law or ordinance is mightier than understanding.

There are certain promises you make that are more sacred than anything that happens in a court of law, I don't care how many Bibles you put your hand on.

Ideological warriors whether from the Left or the Right are bad news for the bench. They tend to make law, not interpret law. And that's not what any of us should want from our judges.

While I support immigration regulated through a legal framework, I do not support rewarding those who broke the law to get here.

How strange it is that murder has the sanction of law in one and only one of the human relationships, and that is the most important of all, that of nation to nation.

I was actually going to law school in 1972.

Above all, I would teach him to tell the truth Truth-telling, I have found, is the key to responsible citizenship. The thousands of criminals I have seen in 40 years of law enforcement have had one thing in common: Every single one was a liar.

We need a strong police force - the Interior Ministry of the Republic of Chechnya. We have to get rid of the traitors who have managed to penetrate into the law-enforcement department.