Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.

Families are like fudge mostly sweet with a few nuts.

A man falls in love through his eyes a woman through her ears

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was it was my own.

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Let me first state that I believe that marriage is a sacred union between one man and one woman.

I don't know of many evangelicals who want to deny gay couples their legal rights. However, most of us don't want to call it marriage, because we think that word has religious connotations, and we're not ready to see it used in ways that offend us.

The media seems to think only abortion and gay marriage are religious issues. Poverty is a moral issue, it's a faith issue, it's a religious issue.

Marriage is a very good thing, but I think it's a mistake to make a habit out of it.

I don't think that a same-sex marriage is the way God intended it to be.

A good businessman never makes a contract unless he's sure he can carry it through, yet every fool on earth is perfectly willing to sign a marriage contract without considering whether he can live up to it or not.

After 14 years, it better be a real marriage, you know? We do have a great time together. We are really lucky.

Marriage encourages the men and women who together create life to unite in a bond for the protection of children.

A marriage is no amusement but a solemn act, and generally a sad one.

There is, hidden or flaunted, a sword between the sexes till an entire marriage reconciles them.

A so-called happy marriage corresponds to love as a correct poem to an improvised song.

Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a duty.

Love is more pleasant than marriage for the same reason that novels are more amusing than history.

I was against gay marriage until I realized I didn't have to get one.

The most important thing for a good marriage is to learn how to argue peaceably.

Marriage is like wine. It is not be properly judged until the second glass.

Love in marriage should be the accomplishment of a beautiful dream, and not, as it too often is, the end.

I do not support a constitutional amendment to prohibit gay marriage.