If there's one thing that everyone can agree on, it's that, right or wrong, they hate the press.

Hypocrisy is great fodder for comedy.

I'm in fact a hair under six feet, but I'm very svelte. People would never see me if I turned sideways.

Honestly we never lied to people about who we were. Usually the wackier interviews came to pass because the interview subjects, aware that we were Comedy Central, just wanted to get their stories out.

I can't be everything to everyone. Send me your specs.

The most important thing is to write material that YOU think is funny. If you don't think it's funny, but you're convinced that other people will think it is, well they won't.

Politicians who wear little tennis socks with the balls at the back should not be taken seriously.

I am a kamikaze gadfly.

It's interesting, because I tend to trust a man with big ears.

It's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues if there is some dissent, some conflict.

No, no, no separate but equal... never the twain shall meet. And the pendulum kept swinging and it came to rest in the bastard hybrid known as the Daily Show.

If there's one thing that everyone can agree on, it's that, right or wrong, they hate the press.

It's one of my favorite things to do, watch TV and stretch. I'm so flexible. I can put my legs behind my head. I want to be the most flexible person in the world.

When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny.

I bruise like a grape.

Christmas is a stocking stuffed with sugary goodness.

Generally I get up at around 7. But oftentimes, I'll be lolling in bed a little bit earlier - sometimes as early as 5:45 - filing in my mind all the things I have to get done. Which is, of course, totally unproductive.

I have a Keurig coffee maker, which is really kind of a luxury. It was given to me by an ex. I realized when I'm feeling sentimental, I'll gently, tenderly press the button. Then when I remember he dumped me, I punch it.

I know a lot about a few things - mostly useless things.

I love the excess of Christmas. The shopping season that begins in September, the bad pop star recordings of Christmas carols, the decorations that don't know when to come down.

I still don't know how to cook and that's just unacceptable.

I was way too hyperactive to study for long. I would freak out, then crash, then be too tired to read or write. I really should have had less sugar.

I wish I had played team sports. I think every kid should. Teamwork builds character - teaches people about leadership and cooperation.

I'd rather call myself a mischief-maker, an imp, rather than a satirist. Satirist sounds so self important. Plus no one is calling himself an imp right now. It makes me feel special.

I'm always working on a few different stories at once, so there's always some really big coffee table book I'm carrying around.

If I had a time machine I would go back 30 years and show up at my grandmother's apartment before the gargantuan meals she would serve and I would help her.

My sophomore year I spent exactly one day on the JV football team. It was the tryout day.

I hate wasting people's time.

I hate failure and that divorce was a Number One failure in my eyes. It was the worst period of my life. Neither Desi nor I have been the same since, physically or mentally.

You either love or you hate. You live in the middle, you get nothing.

I used to smoke two packs a day and I just hate being a nonsmoker... but I will never consider myself a nonsmoker because I always find smokers the most interesting people at the table.

I hate the crazy, neurotic characters beyond a certain point.

I hate Stanley Clark, but I have to admit he's playing Jazz whether I like it or not.

In the past I've made movies that were pretty universally liked. You can't really hate them. You can discard them, but you can't really hate them.

In a war, you must hate somebody or love somebody; you must have a position or you cannot stand what goes on.

Listen kid, take my advice, never hate a song that has sold half a million copies.

The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.

The high point of civilization is that you can hate me and I can hate you but we develop an etiquette that allows us to deal with each other because if we acted solely upon our impulse we'd probably go to war.

I hate leaving home. I love what I do, but I'd love to go home every night.

I hate it when people talk about Buffy as being campy... I hate camp, I don't enjoy dumb TV. I believe Aaron Spelling has single-handedly lowered SAT scores.

When people say 'love to hate', they actually mean 'love to be appalled by' - if they truly hated them, they'd never repeat a catch phrase.

I hate getting bored.

Don't hate the media, become the media.

The middlebrow, I hate.

If a university official's letter accusing a speaker of having a proclivity to commit speech crimes before she's given the speech - which then leads to Facebook postings demanding that Ann Coulter be hurt, a massive riot and a police-ordered cancellation of the speech - is not hate speech, then there is no such thing as hate speech.

We must make it clear that a platform of 'I hate gay men and women' is not a way to become president of the United States.

I'm like an old dog, I hate to be run off from home.

You've got to be taught to hate and fear.

Be grateful for luck. Pay the thunder no mind - listen to the birds. And don't hate nobody.