Mort Sahl

I used to go to two movies every week for the Saturday matinee when I was a kid.

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

The fact is that you cant have a good relationship with a girl who hasnt settled things with her father.

My life needs editing.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.

I'm a radical, and I always have been.

You havent lived until youve died in California.

I didn't think that anything is beyond humor - not profane humor, but a good, honest approach to humor.

Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.

When people write comedy from neutrality, it just gets kind of silly.