Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

My life needs editing.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.

I didn't think that anything is beyond humor - not profane humor, but a good, honest approach to humor.

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.

I used to go to two movies every week for the Saturday matinee when I was a kid.

I'm a radical, and I always have been.

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.

When people write comedy from neutrality, it just gets kind of silly.

You havent lived until youve died in California.

The fact is that you cant have a good relationship with a girl who hasnt settled things with her father.

Second, a quarter to a third of those who listen to Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity are liberals.

A growing awareness of the depth of popular attachment to the family has led some liberals to concede that family is not just a buzzword for reaction.

Indeed, Miss Manners has come to believe that the basic political division in this country is not between liberals and conservatives but between those who believe that they should have a say in the love lives of strangers and those who do not.

Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other views, but then are shocked and offended to discover that there are other views.

Liberals tend to put the onus of your success on society and conservatives on you and your family.

He was my favorite senator... I love him. He made the liberals squeal.

There aren't any liberals left in New York. They've all been mugged by now.

Inside of many liberals is a fascist struggling to get out.

Incredible that liberals aren't more concerned about the monopoly of information in South Dakota.

I have the greatest sympathy with the growth of the socialist party. I think they understand the evils that surround us and hammer them into people's minds better than we Liberals.

Conservatives divide the world in terms of good and evil while liberals do it in terms of the rich and poor.

Conservatives truly love America and support the armed forces, while liberals are unpatriotic draft dodgers.

Liberals subscribe to the new flexible, pluralistic definition of the family; their defense of families carries no conviction.

It's not that conservatives don't care. We do. We just have different answers than liberals do. It's a difference of the mind, not of the heart.

If you hear, day after day, liberals are rooting against armed forces, that is eventually going to have an effect on soldiers and troops who are actually going to believe that and it's wrong. It's just wrong.

Why is it that right-wing bastards always stand shoulder to shoulder in solidarity, while liberals fall out among themselves?

As usual the Liberals offer a mixture of sound and original ideas. Unfortunately none of the sound ideas is original and none of the original ideas is sound.

We have to stress our conservative credentials and emphasize that we are the natural, national alternative to the Liberals. Clearly the Alliance has shown it can't break out of its Western box. The Alliance is at single-digit support in three quarters of the country.

Let's leave behind the predictable and stale debate between liberals and conservatives. Let's take the resources that we have, and prioritize, and manage, and focus our energy on just doing things that count - on real results.

You know, I think, people of all stripes in California, Republicans, Democrats, conservatives, liberals, frankly, as I have traveled the state, the number one issue is jobs. And they are looking for which candidate can get the economy back on track.

While the form of treachery varies slightly from case to case, liberals always manage to take the position that most undermines American security.

If liberals want to send tens of millions of dollars down the drain, I have no problem with that.

The Liberals are the flying saucers of politics. No one can make head nor tail of them and they never are seen twice in the same place.

It wouldn't be fair to say that conservatives cherish property the way liberals cherish equality. But it would be fair to say that the takings clause is the conservatives' recipe for judicial activism just as they say liberals have misused the equal protection clause.

We've finally given liberals a war against fundamentalism, and they don't want to fight it. They would, except it would put them on the same side as the United States.

Liberals become indignant when you question their patriotism, but simultaneously work overtime to give terrorists a cushion for the next attack and laugh at dumb Americans who love their country and hate the enemy.

My faith has been the driving thing of my life. I think it is important that people who are perceived as liberals not be afraid of talking about moral and community values.

Liberals are concerned about the concentration of wealth because it almost inevitably leads to a concentration of power that undermines democracy.

There's the great line: the definition of a liberal is someone who's afraid to take their own side in a fight. And that's my problem with my fellow liberals.

There was no doubt that there was a vast organization which was making fools of all the liberals in Hollywood and taking their money, that there was a police state among the Left element in Hollywood and Broadway.

Democrats couldn't care less if people in Indiana hate them. But if Europeans curl their lips, liberals can't look at themselves in the mirror.

Liberals believe they own the franchise on minorities and can't stand any Hispanic or black who breaks rank.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.