I was supposed to be on the Tonight Show but I broke my shoulder instead.

I was supposed to be on the Tonight Show but I broke my shoulder instead.

Carrot Top... I gave him advice once and he ran with it. He should thank me.

Red Skelton... I broke into tears when I met him.

Marty Richards is an angel on Earth. A producer that does what he says he'll do. He helped me greatly.

I went to Sirius Satellite Radio and did my show, Rapping With Rip.

Because someone stole Gregory Peck's star on Hollywood Blvd., I have hired a Brink's guard to protect my star!

I went to see Harvey again in Fiddler. Harvey's throat is getting better.

I have a new joke today. Martha Stewart's on suicide watch. They had to unplug all of her ovens.

I've created such a monster.

In the developed world, we live 30 years longer, on average, than our ancestors born a century ago, but the price we pay for those added years is the rise of chronic diseases.

When markets are rallying, cash in the portfolio is a drag on performance, returning about zero.

I'm definitely nervous and excited. I feel like I've been playing off-Broadway, not to say that Boston doesn't have a great theatre district or great theatre, but it's not going to Broadway; it's just a different city.

I like girls who are funny with a warped sense of humor.

It’s not about having time. It’s about making time.

Anytime rock and metal can get on mainstream TV at all, it's a good thing.

If you dont do whats best for your body youre the one who comes up on the short end.

Daddy was hilarious. He could take the most mundane event and tell it so that we all on the floor laughing. He trained me in the joys of humor.

Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?

Money doesn't mind if we say it's evil, it goes from strength to strength. It's a fiction, an addiction, and a tacit conspiracy.

I have long been a fan and enthusiast where art is concerned.

A bodybuilder is a sculptor who carries with him his own material.

You'd be surprised what you'd catch on my playlist.

I don't design for myself. I design something keeping in mind that it has to please a lot of women.

I just write and do what I think is funny. Sometimes, you do have it in your head about certain bits. There are certain jokes where I know if I did them in certain situations, it would irk people. There are times where I look at the news and see a story going on, and I'm like, 'Wow, if I tweeted this, I would get press if I wanted to.'

Ski racing is not about how much you weigh. If weight was the key, everybody would be sucking down food.

Liverpool is such a big club, and I was fortunate to be one of a select few to have played for them. It was an amazing time.

A good liar knows that the most efficient lie is always a truth that has had a key piece removed from it.

You can get this feeling of the English or Scottish or Irish or Welsh fairy, but it is by nature very elusive. It would be possible to pin down a German fairy, but the English one just vanishes, becomes the shadow under the trees.

Any country that grants asylum to Snowden risks retaliation from the United States, including diplomatic isolation and costly trade sanctions. Several don't seem to care.

I feel I belong in the movie business and I belong in the security business. It's a natural for me.

Truthfulness is the main element of character.

Everybody is talented because everybody who is human has something to express.

The difference between a signature and an autograph is that the second one has higher face value on a plain paper than the first one even on a cheque.