Sam Kinison

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock 'n' roll and ex-wives. In that order.

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.

I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.

My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!

Not that I want to put the entire rap music style down - I just don't like it. And I know somewhere there's gotta be another guy like that. There's gotta be a guy just like that - just like me. There's gotta be somebody, somewhere... Maybe, maybe an assassin type.

Everything can be satirized.

When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.

What am I responsible for? Who am I responsible to? Everybody? How come when Archie Bunker nailed everybody, it was funny - but when I do it, it's not?

You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pat your house payment. That's a tough crowd.

In the 1990s, it's OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It's acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke... about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society.

Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad.

Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.

AIDS is a horrible disease, and the people who catch it deserve compassion.

I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself.

Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'

Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.

I'm so tired of men who are afraid to hurt women's feelings.

Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.

I've never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.

In the last couple of years, I guess I've spent six figures on clothes. I figure I spend a lot of time shopping. Eight to ten days a month, I go out and buy. Yeah, I guess you could say that I'm a real clothes whore.

I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.

I don't deny my life-style is occasionally pretty wild.

I'm attracted to heartbreakers.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.