Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!

I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!

In the last couple of years, I guess I've spent six figures on clothes. I figure I spend a lot of time shopping. Eight to ten days a month, I go out and buy. Yeah, I guess you could say that I'm a real clothes whore.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.

AIDS is a horrible disease, and the people who catch it deserve compassion.

Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.

Everything can be satirized.

I don't deny my life-style is occasionally pretty wild.

I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself.

I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock 'n' roll and ex-wives. In that order.

I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.

I'm attracted to heartbreakers.

I'm so tired of men who are afraid to hurt women's feelings.

I've never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

In the 1990s, it's OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It's acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke... about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society.

Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'

My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!

Not that I want to put the entire rap music style down - I just don't like it. And I know somewhere there's gotta be another guy like that. There's gotta be a guy just like that - just like me. There's gotta be somebody, somewhere... Maybe, maybe an assassin type.

Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.

Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad.

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.

Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.

What am I responsible for? Who am I responsible to? Everybody? How come when Archie Bunker nailed everybody, it was funny - but when I do it, it's not?

When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.

You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pat your house payment. That's a tough crowd.

He that lives to live forever, never fears dying.

There are a few 'Raw Shark Texts' tattoos floating around the Internet now, so I'm gathering them up to post on my forum. It's a strange thought, knowing that readers are tattooing themselves with something I've created, but it feels wonderful to have added something that people care about to the world.

'Miss Saigon' taught me what it means to help carry a big show, and it had some of the most gorgeous songs wrote.

Do you know what a skin walker is? It's a thing in Indian mythology. There are certain people born with this gift, and they're able to actually get inside you and mess with your feelings and with your mind. And if a skin walker chooses to get a hold of you, there's not much you can do.

I want to do something for Kirkcaldy and Fife. I am a full-time MP, not a businessman.

My father would tell anyone who would listen that this dentist thing he was doing was not his passion; cinematography was.

It's good to get out there and kind of move the body around a little bit, play some hockey, enjoy Nashville as a city and spend some time with family and friends.

Whenever I've had success, I never learn from it. Success usually breeds a degree of hubris. When you fail, that's when you learn.

After all these years, it's still amazing what Obama is allowed to get away with. He says low gas prices in 2009 were caused by a terrible economy, but then claims that the lower number of illegal aliens crossing the border is because of his border policies, not the same lousy economy.

Sometimes there is a greater lack of communication in facile talking than in silence.

It will eventually be discovered that the more you sleep, the healthier you are. Which means you'll really be at your healthiest when you pass away.

I have a necklace with a golden key, given to me by my sisters, which I always wear.

There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.

I love it if comedy reflects real life because to me it's more reassuring that we'll get through.

Every experiment, by multitudes or by individuals, that has a sensual and selfish aim, will fail.

I actually love diving at night; you see a lot of fish then that you don't see in the daytime.

I have a nice boat that I got a couple of years ago that's a Skeeter brand that's 20-foot, center-console. I have it set up for saltwater and for fresh water, so it's been a nice boat.

As a young child, I played the violin. I think that that started the spark.

I'm just steadily building myself up as Kelly Rowland, not just Kelly Rowland of Destiny's Child, which is a blessing to be able to do that.

Journalists hold themselves apart, and above, the common person. They have rules designed to ensure their objectivity and impartiality.