Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!

In the last couple of years, I guess I've spent six figures on clothes. I figure I spend a lot of time shopping. Eight to ten days a month, I go out and buy. Yeah, I guess you could say that I'm a real clothes whore.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.

AIDS is a horrible disease, and the people who catch it deserve compassion.

Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.

Everything can be satirized.

I don't deny my life-style is occasionally pretty wild.

I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself.

I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock 'n' roll and ex-wives. In that order.

I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.

I'm attracted to heartbreakers.

I'm so tired of men who are afraid to hurt women's feelings.

I've never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

In the 1990s, it's OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It's acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke... about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society.

Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'

My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!

Not that I want to put the entire rap music style down - I just don't like it. And I know somewhere there's gotta be another guy like that. There's gotta be a guy just like that - just like me. There's gotta be somebody, somewhere... Maybe, maybe an assassin type.

Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.

Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad.

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.

Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.

What am I responsible for? Who am I responsible to? Everybody? How come when Archie Bunker nailed everybody, it was funny - but when I do it, it's not?

When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.

You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pat your house payment. That's a tough crowd.

Over time, grit is what separates fruitful lives from aimlessness.

But, yeah, I'm really happy when I'm writing. When I'm being creative and when I have something that I can put down. You know, if you go out and you overhear a conversation or you have a thought, you have a receptacle to go home and say, 'Oh, this would be great in this script.' Your antenna's out in a different way, and I love that time.

I'm always a people watcher. They always had us do that at the University of Connecticut where I went for my training. I got my B.F.A. in Acting there.

If you don't know where you are going, every road will get you nowhere.

I must have had faith that day. When I went out, I was Henry Fonda again. An unemployed actor but a man.

Now we're doing it for different reasons. We're doing it to bring back the families to the game, people who love the game, and make it an affordable night's entertainment.

My novels about medieval Wales were set in unexplored terrain; my readers did not know what lay around every bend in the road.

I had never been so challenged in an airplane that I doubted the outcome.

I want to have an epic life. I want to tell my life with big adjectives. I want to forget all the grays in between, and remember the highlights and the dark moments.

Republicans, say Democrats, are too simplistic about what ails America, and their solutions are straight out of 'J.A.G.'

The return is one of the hardest shots to make when you come back from injury.

You can't defend. You can't prevent. The only thing you can do is detect and respond.

I love music, from shanty sea-songs to Calvin Harris.

If you're totally illiterate and living on one dollar a day, the benefits of globalization never come to you.

I'd say it's okay to be political and to be a writer. Those streams can be separate, and they can be connected; for me, they're both. Life is political, and I'm interested in my community and in a lot of issues - some of them American, some global.

I am so inspired by the people watching my videos and responding to them. I have learned so much from my community over the years and always love reading their feedback and their own personal stories that they share with me.

Older teens tend to write to me and say, 'Thank you for not writing down to teenagers.'

The real art is not to come up with extraordinary clever words but to make ordinary simple words do extraordinary things. To use the language that we all use and to make amazing things occur.

I am more afraid of alcohol than of all the bullets of the enemy.

I believe the sign of maturity is accepting deferred gratification.