Never put a sock in a toaster.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

I'm a one-man idiot.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

Animals in the wild are lean, and I think we should be too.

Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

Comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.

I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do.

I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing.

I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.

I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.

I use a Bruce Lee technique: 'The way of no way.' He had the idea that he would learn everything, so that whoever he had to fight, he could improvise anything. The best way of starting a gig is just to not think of anything - to clear your mind, not in an empty Zen state, but more just to go on and see where you go.

I wanted to be less well-known in comedy.

I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear.

If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel.

If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay.

In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.

Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both... different. In spelling.

Because thats what narcissism is all about looking in the mirror everyday and thinking Damn Id like to shag myself.

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is dead!

Everyone gets cards at the beginning of life. I am transgender, I decided to be honest and tell everyone about it, and that's it.

Reformation, like education, is a journey, not a destination.

Men who love their mothers treat women wonderfully. And they have enormous respect for women.

I'm not saying it's going to be easy; I'm saying it's going to be worth it. If it was easy, you would've done it by now.

I've got corporate executives, my bosses... this is true... who will text message me... and say, 'Hey a, heard you had chemotherapy today, want me to stop by and pick you up something to eat and bring it to you?' Whose boss does that? My bosses do that.

I don't like when people try to put a spin and have a second agenda to make a person look bad.

For myself, the way that I learned comedy was doing it live for four years, and only after doing sketch for four years did I feel confident enough to be like, 'Okay, I feel good about starting to put stuff on the Internet where it lives forever.' As opposed to one time at a college sketch show where it bombs and we never speak of it again.

The only thing that's a little tricky about it is sometimes people assume that if it's a new song, it's a reflection of what you're feeling or going through now.

Soup is the song of the hearth and the home.

I'm very proud of 'Gavin and Stacey,' but I think I have to write something else even to start to consider myself a writer. Just because you do something once, it doesn't mean that's who you are. I played football last night; it doesn't mean I'm a footballer.

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

For me, the very last great strip is 'Peanuts.' After 'Peanuts,' there are a very few strips that I enjoyed for different reasons, but I don't think they were great. I don't think anything's come along since Charles Schulz - and I mean since 1950 - that I think rises above the professional or the eccentric into that realm of greatness.

And as far as doing God's work, I think the bankers who took government money and then gave out obscene bonuses are the same self-interested sorts Jesus threw out of the temple.

Success is never so interesting as struggle

Around 2001, I started analyzing lesbians. I started to realize that even really butch-acting or -dressing women still had a strong female identity that I never had.

Once you start celebrating the little victories in life you will realize just how infinite they truly are.

People are worried about privacy, and its one of the reasons people are using a service like SnapChat.

"Women's fashion" is a euphemism for fashion created by men for women.

Having bodyguards is just part of being famous, I think.

I thought I'd better check this third plate, which is another date, see if there's an image there in the right place that would be consistent with the images on the other plates. That was the final proof.