I'm a one-man idiot.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

I'm a one-man idiot.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

Animals in the wild are lean, and I think we should be too.

Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

Comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.

I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do.

I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing.

I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.

I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.

I use a Bruce Lee technique: 'The way of no way.' He had the idea that he would learn everything, so that whoever he had to fight, he could improvise anything. The best way of starting a gig is just to not think of anything - to clear your mind, not in an empty Zen state, but more just to go on and see where you go.

I wanted to be less well-known in comedy.

I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear.

If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel.

If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay.

In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.

Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both... different. In spelling.

Because thats what narcissism is all about looking in the mirror everyday and thinking Damn Id like to shag myself.

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is dead!

Everyone gets cards at the beginning of life. I am transgender, I decided to be honest and tell everyone about it, and that's it.

There isn't a flaw in his golf or his makeup. He will win more majors than Arnold Palmer and me combined. Somebody is going to dust my records. It might as well be Tiger, because he's such a great kid.

A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That's why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet.

I have a great need for affection from an audience. I don't know whether this is because I had such a tough life when I was a child.

Leisure is only possible when we are at one with ourselves. We tend to overwork as a means of self-escape, as a way of trying to justify our existence.

Global challenges require collective responses.

I spoke with Abramovich. He is very simple and loves football. We were on the same wavelength: he wants to confirm Chelsea's position at the top.

I have a very simple definition of a good movie: a good movie makes you forget you're watching a movie.

They want to wipe - in fact, the Democrat Party in their own platform last year wiped even - any reference to God completely from their platform.

Bubbles are best identified by credit excesses, not valuation excesses. And there's no bigger credit excess than in China.

The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.

As premiums continue to skyrocket, we must ensure that health insurers are not engaging in anticompetitive behavior and unfairly driving up health care costs.

Disappointment is really just a term for our refusal to look on the bright side.

Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler.

As an actor, the training I received was that I walk through the world as an observer of life and of people. My job is to actually be looking out all the time and watching people.

If you want your lie to be believed then you need to speak thousand truths before you lie.

Mark Udall wants to run a social issues campaign. He definitely wants to run as the social issues candidate.

Don't kill the golden goose.

I don't think women have ever thrown themselves at me, although I'm quite naive about these things, or was when I was available.

I am not officially involved now in the direction of the Teen Challenge ministry, but I rejoice that God permits me to be the father of these ministries.