I model irregular clothing.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

I saw a stationery store move.

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

I was born nine months premature.

You know what burns me? Matches.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

Do you know it was a year a ago today?

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

I model irregular clothing.

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

People read me but they don't subscribe.

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we cant say cheese.

I am becoming wealthy.

The best path through life is the highway.

I actually love physics, but art is where I thought I could make a difference for my country.

To me there is no picture so beautiful as smiling, bright-eyed, happy children; no music so sweet as their clear and ringing laughter.

Besides being responsible for myself, I'm now responsible for someone else. And I have to set the right examples. I have to really be someone that I would want my child to look up to.

The moon is the reflection of your heart and moonlight is the twinkle of your love.

To me, traveling by bus is like climbing into a closet and watching 'Das Boot.'

Obviously, I like guys that can defend other positions. Draymond Green is doing a great job with Golden State. Jimmy Butler brings it every night when I'm out there.

The good life, as it is popularly conceived, typically involves acquiring mastery in one's work, thus gaining for oneself better terms - or means to rewards, whether material, like wealth, or nonmaterial - an experience we may call 'prospering.'

What has kept the world safe from the bomb since 1945 has not been deterrence, in the sense of fear of specific weapons, so much as it's been memory. The memory of what happened at Hiroshima.

I like playing complex, interesting characters. Sometimes I don't think there's much of a strong line between right and wrong for a character. Every character is somewhere on a moral spectrum.

It's possible that the 2012 general-election race will be the least overtly religious one since 1972, the last campaign before Roe v. Wade and the rise of Jimmy Carter brought evangelicalism into the political mainstream. That's because faith remains a complicated issue for Obama, who is still wrongly thought to be a Muslim in some quarters.