You know what burns me? Matches.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

I saw a stationery store move.

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

I was born nine months premature.

You know what burns me? Matches.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

Do you know it was a year a ago today?

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

I model irregular clothing.

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

People read me but they don't subscribe.

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we cant say cheese.

If you burn your neighbors house down, it doesn't make your house look any better.

Religious cult The church down the street from yours.

You can't get blood out of a stone

The key to enjoying the journey is being open to the unknown.

You know, if it doesn't work, we can always cut it.

I felt like I was in the best photography school in the world - I had Herb Ritts, Bruce Weber, Richard Avedon and Irving Penn teach me.

Whats really good is African drum music.

I feel like a lot of people have a hard time finding what they do, or they have a job or career and not a passion. That's miserable for me. Just find your purpose; understand that you have one life to live.

In the U.S., they just want to know who you're sleeping with.

If you dont believe in ghosts youve never been to a family reunion.

I have always thought of myself as an inventor first and foremost. An engineer. An entrepreneur. In that order. I never thought of myself as an employee. But my first jobs as an adult were as an employee: at IBM, and then at my first start-up.

You don't have to be African American to really enjoy 'Frisky Business'. But as far as being black, a lot of people in New York have been stopped and frisked, so that hits home for them.