I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

I saw a stationery store move.

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

I was born nine months premature.

You know what burns me? Matches.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

Do you know it was a year a ago today?

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

I model irregular clothing.

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

People read me but they don't subscribe.

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we cant say cheese.

Since I'm allergic to various things, the army wouldn't accept me during the war, and I got into the Office of War Information, which sent music to Europe.

Critics are sentinels in the grand army of letters, stationed at the corners of newspapers and reviews, to challenge every new author.

They're not shooting me for deserting the United Stated Army - thousands of guys have done that. They're shooting me for bread I stole when I was 12 years old.

The liberation movement which I led in Algeria, the organization that I created to fight the French army, was at first a small movement of nothing at all. We were but some tens of people throughout Algeria, a territory that is five times the size of France.

Maybe the answer to Selective Service is to start everyone off in the army and draft them for civilian life as needed.

These groups within a society can he distinguished according as to whether, like an army or an orchestra, they function as a single body; or whether they are united merely to defend their common interests and otherwise function as separate individuals.

The army teaches boys to think like men.

It takes but one positive thought when given a chance to survive and thrive to overpower an entire army of negative thoughts.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

A zeal for the defence of their country led these heroes to the scene of action, though with a few men to attack a powerful army of experienced warriors.

Most of the services staff is for the larger corporations, not so much for small and medium businesses because they cannot afford an extensive services army.

Our strategy is to defend ourselves against an occupying army and against settlers and settlements.