I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

I saw a stationery store move.

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

I was born nine months premature.

You know what burns me? Matches.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

Do you know it was a year a ago today?

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

I model irregular clothing.

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

People read me but they don't subscribe.

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we cant say cheese.

In comedy, you have to be unafraid to hang from the tree branch naked in the high wind and you have to be absolutely unafraid to look ridiculous and silly.

My thing is related to who I am as a person. The clothes are an extension of me. The music is an extension of me. All my businesses are part of the culture, so I have to stay true to whatever I'm feeling at the time, whatever direction I'm heading in. And hopefully, everyone follows.

A drawing is always dragged down to the level of its caption.

Often I sort of work up and down the manuscript. I sometimes used to go ahead of myself to see what was going to happen next, to make certain it fits what was going to be happening soon.

The problem with naming a No. 2 is you really want to throw all your weight behind the guy who is going to be the leader.

My reputation is too important to put it aside for purposes of some friendship. We have a job to do.

Being single doesn't necessarily mean you're available. Sometimes you have to put up a sign that says, "Do Not Disturb" on your heart.

In politics, they found there were not enough females in the House of Commons, so they came up with the idea of shortlists having to have women on them.

The Supreme Court has insulted you over and over again, Lord. They've taken your Bible away from the schools. They've forbidden little children to pray. They've taken the knowledge of God as best they can, and organizations have come into court to take the knowledge of God out of the public square of America.

I sit, I think, I make some drawings. As a designer, you cannot retire totally.

I know who I am. I am not perfect. I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world. But I'm one of them.

Do your homework and keep good files. Know the background and biases of your sources.