I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

I saw a stationery store move.

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

I was born nine months premature.

You know what burns me? Matches.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

Do you know it was a year a ago today?

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

I model irregular clothing.

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

People read me but they don't subscribe.

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we cant say cheese.

Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.

For there is no friend like a sister in calm or stormy weather; To cheer one on the tedious way, to fetch one if one goes astray, to lift one if one totters down, to strengthen whilst one stands.

If the weather is good I go into the nearby wood - there I am painting a small beech forest (in the sun) with a few conifers mixed in. This takes until 8 'o clock.

I have some close friends I keep in touch with. I knit. I watch a little too much TV. I ski, if the weather's right for that. If I can find a group of buddies, I go rock climbing.

When a house is being built which is to be made as strong as possible, the building takes place in fine weather and in calm, so that nothing may hinder the structure from acquiring the needed solidity.

All we need is a meteorologist who has once been soaked to the skin without ill effect. No one can write knowingly of the weather who walks bent over on wet days.

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.

Computer modelling for weather forecasting, and indeed for climate forecasting, has reached its limits.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

It is only in sorrow bad weather masters us; in joy we face the storm and defy it.

There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.

The most intense curiosity and excitement prevailed, and though the weather was uncertain, enormous masses of densely packed people lined the road, shouting and waving hats and handkerchiefs as we flew by them.