Jimmy Kimmel

When I was on the radio, I used to be able to go a lot farther than I can now. You don't really remember until you're on the radio again, sometimes in your old radio station and sitting with the guys you used to work with and you go, 'Oh yeah, I can't say these things anymore. I'm handcuffed.'

If I have one criticism of the other late-night shows, it's that they're almost entirely scripted.

I have had a lot of experience in broadcasting.

The truth is, we have this idea that late night is about creativity and being cool, but that's not our job. Our job is to get as many people watching the commercials in between our show. That's the reality of it.

There is no way, if I was running ABC, I would have kept me on the air.

I only get unusual ailments.

It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up.

How can you ever be late for anything in London They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.

That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't.

Almost every week, someone's mad at me.

Someone, I don’t know who, probably a monster, thought it would be a good idea to combine pumpkin spice and pizza, two things that go together like peanut butter and snow tires.

I don't really need to be dirty to be funny.

I did not have any delusions of grandeur as a kid.

When you know someone you can make a little more fun of them without them getting offended.

On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime.

I'm a creative consultant, whatever that means.

I go to Costco every weekend. It's my favorite part of the week.

Real emotion is good or doing a good job of faking real emotion.

I have like fifteen televisions in my house.

I'm a terrible golfer.

My definition of cursing is probably different from what other people's definitions are.

The Republican National Convention is a great place to hear people talk about politics and values and all that sort of thing. But there's one thing brings me back year after year, and that's white people dancing. The RNC is the world's premier Caucasian amateur dance festival.

I describe myself as a human being.

I can't be as flip as I once was.

You don't need to exorcise your personal demons onstage.

At the Emmys, you've got a bunch of people who are used to being on TV on TV. You don't have that at the Oscars. At the Oscars, you have people who are used to having 40 takes.

You can say Pizza Hut is terrible pizza, but they also sell more pizzas than anybody else.

No matter who it is, I hate to see people losing their jobs. I really do.

Real emotion is good - or doing a good job of faking real emotion.

There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they've built to look like a temple. It's just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives.