I only get unusual ailments.

I only get unusual ailments.

It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up.

That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't.

Almost every week, someone's mad at me.

I'm a creative consultant, whatever that means.

I have like fifteen televisions in my house.

I'm a terrible golfer.

There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they've built to look like a temple. It's just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives.

At the Emmys, you've got a bunch of people who are used to being on TV on TV. You don't have that at the Oscars. At the Oscars, you have people who are used to having 40 takes.

I can't be as flip as I once was.

I describe myself as a human being.

I did not have any delusions of grandeur as a kid.

I don't really need to be dirty to be funny.

I go to Costco every weekend. It's my favorite part of the week.

I have had a lot of experience in broadcasting.

If I have one criticism of the other late-night shows, it's that they're almost entirely scripted.

My definition of cursing is probably different from what other people's definitions are.

No matter who it is, I hate to see people losing their jobs. I really do.

On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime.

Real emotion is good - or doing a good job of faking real emotion.

The Republican National Convention is a great place to hear people talk about politics and values and all that sort of thing. But there's one thing brings me back year after year, and that's white people dancing. The RNC is the world's premier Caucasian amateur dance festival.

The truth is, we have this idea that late night is about creativity and being cool, but that's not our job. Our job is to get as many people watching the commercials in between our show. That's the reality of it.

There is no way, if I was running ABC, I would have kept me on the air.

When I was on the radio, I used to be able to go a lot farther than I can now. You don't really remember until you're on the radio again, sometimes in your old radio station and sitting with the guys you used to work with and you go, 'Oh yeah, I can't say these things anymore. I'm handcuffed.'

When you know someone you can make a little more fun of them without them getting offended.

You can say Pizza Hut is terrible pizza, but they also sell more pizzas than anybody else.

You don't need to exorcise your personal demons onstage.

Real emotion is good or doing a good job of faking real emotion.

How can you ever be late for anything in London They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.

Someone, I don’t know who, probably a monster, thought it would be a good idea to combine pumpkin spice and pizza, two things that go together like peanut butter and snow tires.

Parents should be allowed to choose which cable or satellite channels - sources of the most extreme content - come into their homes.

I think good tailoring and something that's well-made never gets boring or tiring.

I'm trying to be in the moment and really enjoy my pregnancy. I feel really lucky.

I would like people to know me for who I am, especially since I think people have a very skewed image of me. I was playing a lot of cute characters, a lot of little girls; I was objectified. And I don't want people to think of me as that because it's not who I am, and because I've seen a lot of hostility towards that image.

Every contrivance of man, every tool, every instrument, every utensil, every article designed for use, of each and every kind, evolved from a very simple beginnings.

Take care of your body and your body will take care of you.

How natural that the errors of the ancient should be handed down and, mixing with the principles and system which Christ taught, give to us an adulterated Christianity.

If you have much, give of your wealth; if you have little, give of your heart.

Avoiding a bathtub because your parents tried to kill you in one isn't the same as avoiding your entire life by becoming a wolf.

And November sad, "a psalm Tender, trustful, full of balm, Thou must breathe in spirits calm.

Nearly 100,000 sex offenders remain unregistered, and are moving freely about the country; the risk that they may strike again grows every day.

Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend.

Everything now will prepare you for the next step. Don't run from adversity; lean into it with all your heart and God will make you a leader worth following.

The wise and the brave dares own that he was wrong.

Having the Stitch character, the villain that becomes a hero, coming from outer space, it took a very difficult and complex story and put it into a simpler, kinder time.

As a little boy of 3 or 4, I became lame. Something was wrong with my right leg. There are pictures of me being pulled around in a little wagon. The doctors didn't know what to do. So my nanny took me to the miraculous Madonna at Sacro Monte in Varese, the priest blessed me, and I walked.

If my life had to be a song I would name it, 'Live every day like its your best day ever', because it pretty much is.

I know it's going to be the private sector that leads this country out of the current economic times we're in. You can spend your money better than the government can spend your money.